SHADOWS

Being a shadow in your own life is likely difficult for most to imagine. Although it’s natural to feel out of control at times, because let's face it; sometimes we all feel like the world is spinning around you, it’s not always normal for life to push you into the background, constantly blowing the smallest problems into gigantic canon balls.

Honestly, my world has been mostly out of control between now and my last post and amongst all the crazy, it has been so lovely to realise how many of you are missing my posts! Thank you for reaching out; from stopping me in the street to leaving a comment or sending a message. I’ve been throwing myself into a new job since September 19, and loving it - which is partly why I haven’t posted. I am so time poor lately but also no longer require writing to be the good distraction it was in my last job. It’s amazing to know you’re talking about these issues, because they are so, so real and too often are they ignored by the people who need to acknowledge them most.

Ignorance is never bliss. Maybe in the moment or for a small while, but in the end it only prolongs dealing with whatever awful shit you’ve been ignoring. I learnt this almost a decade ago now watching Mum abuse herself and at times almost everyone around her who truly cared for her. She distracted herself from what I believe to be issues not directly relating to me, but of course I felt the fall out more than anyone. There were countless nights I was left to walk home from the school bus or netball training in the pouring rain, or left waiting for her to pick me up. As a teen who cherished even a car ride with her, the excuses of “it’s a 15 minute walk” or, “don’t be lazy just walk”, got old real quick, to the point where I stopped asking for a ride and organising other ways to get home with friends. I mean to the naked mind, this isn’t a big deal and in most cases, as a parent it’s probably a fair request to tell your child to walk home providing the weather is good enough and if it was actually just a 15 minute walk. PSA: children are quietly super observant and mostly hold an understated emotional intelligence.

Seeing other parents be there for their children for life simple pleasures like driving them to where they wished to go, picking us up from party’s, watching their netball games, hearing stories from friends about weekends with their parents… it all builds up. It wasn’t okay that I was made to feel like the biggest pain-in-the-ass every time I asked to be picked up, having to mentally brace myself for the hostility that was coming my way if I was lucky enough to get a ride home. I was made to feel like an inconvenience. Finding a way home or to a sporting activity is not responsibility a teen should be faced with all the time. So next time you can’t be bothered, put yourself in your child’s shoes… just for a moment.

Looking back, organising my own ride home was mostly less stressful, especially when I realised that majority of the time it didn’t matter when I arrived home, no one noticed anyway. Mum often had ‘friends’ over where they would hang out in the back shed. So, through the front door I would enter to an empty house most nights, getting my own self ready for the next day and into bed falling asleep to the thump of loud music. On the nights where no one was home, or they were outside, dinner time became non existent and 2-minute noodles became a regular meal. Don’t do it kids, eat an apple for even my 15-16 year old metabolism wasn’t a fan of preservatives. Especially on weekends, I remember asking countless amount of times what was for dinner, knowing there was nothing in the fridge ready to go. It was either freezer food for me, or I would nag and nag walking from the house to the shed multipe times reminding her of the time, until I was driven to get take out. If you’re reading this thinking that sounds like not a bad life for a teen (because at some point all teens plead with their parents for take out, right?), you’re reading it too quickly. Slow down and try to imagine what a child might feel like in that situation, time and time again.

Here I was constantly feeling like that annoying shadow behind you or the one located out outside your peripheral, constantly asking for some of life’s simplest things.

Over the next of couple years, things were building quicker than ever driving a wedge between us. It became obvious that she believed I had no idea about what was happening around me. I mean, I was young but there was a reason so many people would come and go. It had been happening for so long that I never really had the conversation with her, maybe I thought one day it would change. But, sooner than I knew it, there came a point where loved ones voiced serious concerns about my safety - I suppose they thought I was old enough to hear it. I think I was old enough, but it didn’t make the next year or so any easier for anyone. Although my safety was never intentionally put at risk, how many accidental tragedies occur in life? Far too many. I suppose I was soon going to learn that happiness and real comfort came at a huge emotional price.

Reach out to your loved ones.

Until next time x